Despair
by SapphireShelle91
Summary: It is times like these that he truly understands why Susannah dislikes her ability to be able see the dead so greatly. Why she so despaired over possessing such a gift.


**I had a dream along these lines about how Suze's life, not just her social life but her family life too would effected by Suze's Mediating duties.**

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**Despair**

_**Set:**_ Between book 3 Reunion/Mean Spirits and book 4 Darkest Hour/Young Blood

_**Location:**_ Suze's House (mostly her room)

_**Characters:**_ Jesse and Suze and actually the rest of Suze's family

_**Point of View:**_Jesse de Silva (third Person) and Helen (Also third person)

_**Status:**_ Complete, one-shot

_It is times like these that he truly understands why Susannah dislikes her ability to be able see the dead so greatly. And why she so despaired over possessing such a gift._

She complains constantly about how her gift keeps her from having an ordinary life. That it keeps her from being just a normal teenage girl who socialised with her friends and boyfriend at school, parties, the mall and the beach.

But even when she complains about the lack of these things due to the constant interruption of lost souls entering and disturbing her life, she does her job and usually with great success. Usually...

Not today though. Today, they had faced one of the toughest ghosts that they had ever come across. They had defeated the ghost of course, exorcised the stupid ghost stupid ass straight to hell (as Susannah had so politely put it) but then the police had turned up and Susannah's bright and triumphant face fell into despair at the very sight of the blue and red flashing lights outside the old abandon house that they had been chasing the ghost around.

The police had come in, found Susannah sitting on the bottom of the main stair case, despite his suggestion to run (she had just shaken her head, saying that the police would most likely catch her anyway and it would look worse for her if she did leg it, so no she would stay and face the music.).

The police had shaken their head at the sight of her, seeing what a mess she was in, telling her off for being so reckless in such a dangerous place and that a school paper article was seriously not worth breaking your neck over.

He thought that would be it, a small slap on the wrist from the police would be the only real consequence that Susannah would have to face after this particular stunt. He found however that he was completely wrong, as all the way back to the house he watch Susannah silently fall deeper and deeper into despair. Over what? He didn't know.

Once back at the house and Andy and Helen were filled in upon the police's version of Susannah's little adventure. They scolded her once again for her silliness and to be thankful that no one owned the house that she had broken into nor that it was part of any sort of historical heritage. The Police then nodded their good night and silence fell in the Ackerman's living room.

_It is times like these that he truly understands why Susannah dislikes her ability to be able see the dead so greatly. And why she so despaired over possessing such a gift._

Never has he seen Helen look so furious. Never had he heard her yell so loudly at her child with such anger.

Never, it appear, had the male members of the Ackeman family, who were all staring between mother and daughter in dumb shock at what was taking place.

He half expect Susannah to lash back out at her mother, he never seen Susannah so quiet, so defeated, so despairing as she looked down at her feet as her mother scolded, yelled and he swore she almost came close to shrieking.

Some of things that were spoken he felt over step the barrier between Parent scolding child of wrong doing to just openly humiliating said child.

He wince at Helen demands as to know when this disruptive, rebellious nature would stop. Would it stop? She wanted to know. Did she, Susannah, feel that her life was so bad that she felt she had the right to bring down other with her?

He accidently cracked one of the photo frames that hung around the walls of the living in his anger at that comment. The cracking sound of glass caught Helen's attention and she seemed to realise that she may have overstepped her barriers as a parent.

"I'm just worried about you Susannah." Helen concluded now calm and back to almost normal self. Susannah just nodded dumbly, staring even harder at her feet.

"Suze?"

"I'm sorry." It was the first time she had spoken throughout the episode and it was almost like it was not her whom was speaking.

"Then why do you do it, Suze?" Helen asked in obvious despair and Susannah fell once more silent again. Helen gave a sharp sigh of once more rising anger, but she held it this time.

"Suze, just go to bed. We'll talk about your grounding tomorrow." Helen sighed and Susannah made little time leaving the room and shotting up stairs. He made to follow her but stopped only to smack his fist against the back of Brad (Dopey, he agreed with Susannah was a far better name for him than his given name) head as the grin that was now spread upon the boy's face was a little too wide for his liking, especially since he now had a strong feeling as to whom may have be the culprit for calling the police down upon their heads. He was going to have to have another talk to Susannah about keeping her voice down when conversing with ghosts, no matter how frustrated she may get by them, as a certain step-brother might once again try a stunt like this one.

Dopey flinched at the sharp blow to his scalp, looking wildly around him in dazed confusion as neither of his brothers were close enough to him to inflict the throbbing lump that was now beginning to form there.

"Don't you think that you were a little harsh?" Andy asked Helen gently.

He paused once again waiting for Helen's answer.

"No, Andy, I don't. Honestly this has been going on for far too long, she should know better by now."

"But you didn't even ask her what she was doing in that house." Andy pointed out.

"Doing a report for the school, the police told us that.

"Yeah, and her story checks out didn't it. She had all the information to do the report and the police even checked with Father Dominic while they were here to make sure that the report was true. Which it was..."

"Andy, I know all this, but why go so late at night then?"

"Because it was a report on the house being haunted by ghosts and you know ghost are suppose to be more active at night, so Suze was probably trying to write her report with the right feel to it, which meant going to a creepy house at night." He felt himself grin at the youngest brother who was looking extremely nervous as though he thought Helen may just turn her wrath upon him. Helen just started at him speechless before rubbing her forehead wearily.

"Then why didn't she just tell us then?"

"Because she's a teenager and teenagers in my experience rarely tell their parents much about anything that they are doing. And Suze's seems to be one of those teenagers who doesn't tell their parent anything. She'll grow out of it. She probably didn't very much want to do the report anyway, wanted to get it over and done with as quickly and as painlessly as possible, except that she fell down those stairs." He watched Andy shrug and Helen look even wearier.

"She's a lot like you Helen. Do almost anything to get your story. Though granted you'd never go that far, at least I don't think." He was teasing her now and he felt that it was fair time to check on Susannah, but as he left he heard a defeated, despairing whisper follow him.

"I'm just so scared sometimes Andy. She scares me so much when she does things like this. She scares me so much with the prospect that she might not come back. That I might lose her because of these stunts she pulls. And I can't. I can't lose her, Andy, I just can't. I would die if I did."

_It is times like these that he truly understands why Susannah dislikes her ability to be able see the dead so greatly. And why she so despaired over possessing such a gift._

He found her sitting on her bed, legs pulled tightly to her chest, held there firmly by her arms wrapped around them. Her face buried into her knees.

A soft snuffling sound fills the room and it makes his heart wrench at its sound. Even Spike who appeared almost like a ghost himself at his appearance is taken by the sound. The fur of his back and tail are on end and his ears are flat to his head as he eyes the sobbing girl with feline uncertainness and discomfort.

"Susannah?"

She doesn't respond, she just hugs her legs closer to her chest.

He moves in front of her, kneeling beside her bed, his hand gently placed over hers in an attempt to give her comfort that he knows she wanted but also knew that comfort from him would be defiantly overstepping that fragile boundary that they have set up between them.

He can almost hear the Father's chiding, but he pushes them away, focusing solely on the sobbing girl before him, only half fighting the desire to take her in his arms and hold her against him, to give her the knowledge that how much she may feel that she is alone in the world and be despairing over it, he wanted her to know she wasn't, not while he was around.

Another thought shoves its way into the front line of his thought train but he once more shoves it back down the line. He doesn't want to think about that, he just wants to think about her, how to comfort her, how to make her smile again.

"Susannah."

"She hates me." Her voice is so small, so child-like that it almost frightens him when he realises that the words that she spoke, she truly believe.

"What?"

She slowly lifts up her head and stares at him with big green eyes, tears trains running all over her cheeks.

"She hates me." She repeats again and he can see that she truly does believe her statement. He begins to shake his head, disagreeing with her immediately.

"No, she doesn't." He tries to sooth her by beginning to wipe the tears away from her eyes but she jerks her head back.

"Yes, she does. And why wouldn't she? I'm hardly number one daughter over year or anything." She growls, beginning to sound like herself again but he doesn't like the bitterness and harshness now filling her tone.

"But you are her daughter."

"So"

"So, that makes all the difference."

"No, it doesn't. Just because she's my Mom and I'm her daughter does not mean that she has always love me. Or love me at all, for that matter. Parents can come to hating their children you know. I've had to deal with the after affects of those fights." Her green eyes suddenly grow extremely dark and her tears dry up immediately.

"I hate this." She whispers, glaring out the window at the Pacific ocean.

"Hate what, _querida_?"

"This! I hate this. I hate what we had to do tonight!" her voice is getting a shrill note to it as she grows more and more angry and upset.

And all he can do is blink dumbly back at her. What on earth was she talking about? The fight with her mother? That was just a rare thing, most likely never to happen again.

She can see it in his face that he doesn't understand her and her face immediately drops back to the cover of her knees, whispering softly. "I didn't ask for this."

He keeps silent this time, hoping that his silence will let her feel free to speak her mind, to allow herself to vent without reservation.

"I didn't ask to see ghosts. I'm not trying to be a bad kid... daughter for my Mom, but I can't help it. I can't help what I am, but I didn't ask for this. I'm not like Father Dom who can just be a great Mediator without trying, I can't. I'm not good at being one and I don't want to be one. I just want to be the normal kid that my Mom deserves."

"Susannah..." but he's at a loss as to what to say to her. What could he possibly say when he was, is some ways, part of her main problem. He was after all a ghost. What could he possibly say to this despairing girl to make her see that her mother did not in fact hate her and that her ability... her ability was what? Not a curse? She was a sixteen year old girl, not much more than a child really and no child should go through what she went through every other week when dealing with those who got caught half way between life and death. What could he possibly say?

"I'm glad to have met you." He doesn't know why he is saying this, it can't possibly help, but... he watched her slowly raise her head to peer up at him with once more tear filled green eyes.

"You are?" there is so much doubt in her voice that it startles him almost into frustration. How could she possibly doubt their friendship? Did she think that it was just a ploy for his own amusement?

"I am glad to have met you and I am very glad to know you and to be friends with you."

"You are?" she asks again but this time she is smiling a watery smile at him, which makes his dead heart give a sudden leap at the sight of it. She has such a pretty smile, he muses before shaking his head firmly of the thought.

"Yes…" he tries to say more, to convince her further that he did not feel that her gift was a curse, that he truly did value her and her friendship above nearly all other things that were and had been in his life but he was cut off from doing so by her throwing of her arms around his neck and slamming herself into his chest as she hugs with force and strength that he knows very well that she has within her but has never actually experience first hand until now… and he thanks he's lucky stars that he has never made her so angry, to point of her socking him one in the face because he now truly understands why ghost they have met really do start to pay attention to her once she has thrown a punch at them. This girl was strong.

But besides that, the hug is gentle. She's not clinging to him or anything like his sisters had done when they had been upset over something or other (usually boys; who ended up having bloody noses once he had hunted them down for making his sisters cry). It wasn't anything seductive or anything along those lines. No it was just a hug which he felt more then happy to return despite the warning bells in his head.

"Suzannah your mother doesn't hate you. She loves you, very much and that was why she was so angry at you tonight. The thought of losing you to her is like the fate worse than going to Hell itself." He mumbles into her hair as he rubs her still shaking back, thinking over his words as he speaks them. Finding truth in them for himself as he does. Losing her, not just in death but to another, makes him grow cold inside and his life becomes suddenly very empty and vast of nothingness.

"I know." She mumbles back, pulling herself slowly away from their embrace. "It just hurts seeing her so hurt and despairing over me for being… me. I just wish that…" she shakes her head. He knows what she means without her voicing her wish. He understood the feelings that she is feeling, for he had similar feelings of despair and sadness at the thought of causing great disappointment to his family.

He almost chuckled, had he worried more over the fact that he was probably causing great disappoint to his family then he had been about the fact that he had been just murdered and was so obviously apparently trapped from moving on to heaven.

He brought back from his thoughts by a soft knock on Susannah's door. Susannah stared at it quite unwillingly but still calls "come in" nonetheless.

He moves to the window seat as Helen makes her way slowly into the room, looking guilty and drawn.

"Susie."

"Hey Mom." Susannah forced a smile to grace her tear stricken face.

"Oh Susie." Helen fighting back her own tears threw her arms around her child, pulling her close to her as she had done when her child had still been her baby girl.

Her daughter returns her hug, but it is almost cautious as if waiting for the other shoe to drop. Helen closed her eyes and buried her face into her daughter's hair.

Why did her child have to suffer so? Why did she have to feel that she had to suffer all alone?

Helen didn't know the answers to her questions and there were many of them when it came to her wayward child and she didn't like it.

She hated it.

She hated all these questions lying out in front of her every time her daughter came down stairs for breakfast and dinner, came home from school. When she was brought home by the police…

She wanted to know, she desperately wanted to have answers for her questions, as it was in her nature to desire answers to any questions she came across. And yet as must as she wanted to know the answers to the questions that her daughter stirs within her, and she also knows that the answers, if they are ever given, she could never accept them. For the answers to her questions will not stop the strain and sadness within her child.

She can see the strain in her child's beautiful green eyes and she wants to run forth and take them all the worry and despair and anger from her, but…

Helen gently stroked her daughter's rich, thick hair and opens her eyes slowly. _Don't dwell on it Helen_, her conscious tells her, s_he is here, safe with us again. Just hold her and everything will be ok again._

"I love you Susie, so much. And the thought of losing you… it just… it pushes me beyond the deepest pits of despair. I can't lose you, sweetheart. I don't think I could survive if I did."

"Thanks Mom." Her voice is soft and Helen closed her eyes once more just listening to the sound of her daughter's voice.

"I mean it, Susie. I love you more then my own life and your little," she search for the right word, "adventures are shortening my life dramatically."

"I'm sorry."

"I know you are sweetheart, I know. And I wish with all my heart that I could help you find your way along the path of this life but," Helen looked her daughter in the eyes, into her father eyes and felt a swell of pride and sadness feel her. Those eyes to wise and young all at the same time, they seemed to have seen too much of death and not enough of life. And there was nothing Helen could do about, except what she was already doing; being the best mother that she could her unique child. She sighs softly and bumps her head lightly upon her daughter's forehead.

"Its ok, Mom, really everything is ok."

"No, its not," Helen sighs again, but she feels a comforting presence near by, close to her daughter and she feels her lips begin to tilt upwards into a small smile, "but I think that things will be." Her daughter looks at her confused but Helen keeps her mouth sealed, instead she kissed her child's forehead fondly.

"Go to sleep, sweetheart. You have a nasty bump and you'll be no go to anyone if you are walking around half dead tomorrow," she glances at the clock and rolls her eyes to the heavens, "correction today. Just go to sleep." She adds in exasperation as she noticed her daughter's amused little smile.

"Good morning Mom."

"Go to sleep, Susannah." Helen shook her head slightly before glancing back at her daughter. She was already well on her way to lands of dreams.

Helen felt her smile grow a little, but it faulted for a moment when she thought that she caught a glimpse of a figure, a young man in fact, standing by the window seat starring down at her daughter with a tender look in his eyes.

She blinked her eyes furiously and when they refocused again, he was gone, just as the logical part of her mind had wanted him to be, but…

_It was just a trick of the light,_ she concluded firmly, shaking her head clear of any other stray mind tricks. She flicked off the light, once more going over in her head that her child was safe and sound in her bed and there was no reason ever to despair that maybe one day she might not be.

_It is times like these that he truly understands why Susannah dislikes her ability to be able see the dead so greatly. And why she so despaired over possessing such a gift._

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**Thanks for reading and reviews are much appreciated.**


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